Children of Divorce Archives - Lover Not A Fighter

Personal Experience throughout a Divorce

As a child who watched her parents battle for almost 7-8 years, I have an interesting perspective on divorce. I personally never felt sad about my parent’s divorce, they weren’t right for each other, and even at a young age I was keenly aware of that. In my experience, most kids long for the normalcy of their parents being together (keeping their same house, same routine etc.) not their parents actually being a couple again. My personal experience unfortunately took way too long to return to normal, in fact it never did. While things can never be the same, I feel it is easy to achieve a sense of routine my family was simply never able to find.

Continuing Parental Relationships after Divorce

Following separation and divorce it can be challenging, as a child, to continue a relationship with both your parents. There can be a lot of guilt, resentment, and confusion on how to continue a relationship, with both parents. I was often put in the middle between my parents, asked questions about their ex, or showed various court documents to prove a point. Having to answer questions as a child, I felt cornered. I often felt as if I didn’t have a choice, which came with a lot of guilt, as I felt horrible telling “secrets” to my mother about her ex, or vice versa. With retrospect, I so wish my parents would have chosen to tell me the cause for their divorce was simply they weren’t right. As a 12-year-old, it was not important for me to know of all the lying, affairs, secrets, money… the complexity of their battle goes on and on.

How to Stay a Child Through Divorce

My advice to children struggling around the country; ignore them. Focus on your normal life, spending time with your friends, keeping your grades up! Make sure to enjoy what you have of your childhood, don’t try to grow up too fast and deal with adult problems. You have a right to vocalize how you feel, and that includes saying you don’t want to talk about it. Divorce can certainly be a challenging time of tremendous change, but trying to keep some normalcy in the dark can help you to move forward. Don’t let your parents treat you like have no voice, you do! While you do still need your parents guidance, and all the way at highschool at that, you still have a right to vocalize your opinions, and also to keep information to yourself. While your parent’s questions can make you feel guilty by remaining silent, throughout their divorce, it helps nobody to say what is happening in your new homes. It creates jealousy, and a need to strike back, which can put you in the crosshairs of a battle. Allow your parents to focus on their own divorce, you focus on being a child and spending time with them the same way that you used to.

Keeping the Focus on your Children During your Separation

Children will feel a variety of emotions when learning and dealing with your separation. They may feel responsible, sad, happy, guilty, nervous.. a whole range which can often be unpredictable. During this entire process, the best thing you can do for your children is love them. Spend your time with your children with them, not on the phone with lawyers, not talking with other adults, no negativity toward your soon to be ex. Asking your children about your ex can make them feeling guilty, or put in the middle. Try to open honest communication with your ex about parenting, and what happens while the children are with either party. While you may fear your ex is ‘poisoning’ your children with their side of your separation, don’t fret. Even as an 11-year-old, I was keenly aware of both my parent’s faults and it was obvious to see when one party was lying. Everything will become very clear with time, and your children will hold onto their relationships with you, regardless of water under the bridge. You are still a family, no matter the new description. Keeping this in mind will help both you and your children move forward past your separation.

Keeping Your Children’s Lives Normal During Your Separation

Children can easily get lost in the shuffle throughout a separation. Try to be there to remind them that even while you are separated you and your ex love them just as much. Be willing to listen to their feelings if they want to talk about your separation, be open and as honest as you feel necessary.
The most important thing you can do as a parent is keep their relationship with you as normal as possible. Do the same things you have done with them before your separation. Nobody responds well to change, children being at the top of that list. By creating a normal atmosphere, your children will adapt more easily to their new lifestyle. While it could be tempting to punish more lenient, or indulge them with treats or presents, try to keep your schedule routine. When their life changes drastically in too many ways, your children could start to cope with other mechanisms. Throughout my parents separation and divorce, I would sometimes deal with the chaos by ignoring school work; everything in my life was so upside down. I had no routine, and didn’t know what to expect next. Help your children better throughout your separation by constantly focus on getting back to normal, not trying to make up for guilt.

Divorce From A Child’s Perspective

Separation and Children